You know something I've always wondered... One of Eric's main goals in life, it seemed, was to get laid. I don't know whether or not he ever truly longed for love, but he really wanted to have sex. Even one of the things he wrote about was his fantasy of charming a girl, getting her to go down to his basement, and then raping her. Or at the very least, having rough sex, since he spoke of overpowering the girl and "indulging" himself.
It might be more common than some people think to have rape fantasies, but Eric seemed like the type that would seriously commit the act. Obviously, since he was capable of murder. Especially towards the end of his life, when he wrote of trying really hard to get laid but not getting anywhere. I've always been surprised that he didn't attempt anything with Susan, the girl he hung out with days before the massacre. She was like the perfect opportunity for Eric.
I mean, she came over to his house. They were there for 4 hours, and his parents weren't even home for the first couple of hours. The most daring thing that he did that night was kiss her on the cheek and put his arm around her. He was a perfect gentleman. I wouldn't have expected Eric to attack the girl or anything, since doing so would have gotten him in major trouble. Their plan to murder hundreds of students would have been ruined. But the fact that he didn't even try to kiss her? Make out? Anything?
He must have respected Susan a lot, because that truly puzzles me. I also used to wonder why they didn't take advantage of the situation and sexually assault a student at Columbine before they killed themselves. I'm sure they must have known that it would take a while for the SWAT team to reach their area of the building, that there was time for them to have their way. But I figure, when your adrenaline is up and you are blasting people left and right with your gun, the last thing on your mind is sex...no matter how horny you've been up until that day.
I don't think rape is what they wanted. They wanted sex, and that is very different from rape. Rape is when you force yourself upon another person against their will and much to their disgust. Sex is when two people who (usually) care for each other express their mutual feelings in a physical way. I think that the reason neither of them ever raped any girl was because they wanted girls to genuinely like them. I think that in the end the majority of the reason for why the massacre occurred because they were rejected by their peers, and they wanted revenge for this. Eric clearly mentions this in his journal, when he says that if people has been a little nicer to him and hadn't 'ripped' on him so bad, this could have all been avoided.
ReplyDeleteI believe Susan may have been a prime example of this. Did you know that Susan accepted his date offer only after all the other girls at her workplace (she worked close to where Eric worked)had rejected him. Don't get me wrong, I don't know Susan personally or anything, but it may have been a sympathy date or more like a friends-only type date? All the experience he had from being rejected, he probably saw her lack of interest and didn't push her. He could have raped her, but considering the fact that he was a pretty deep individual, he probably wanted someone to genuinely like him and listen to him and not just sex despite the macho things he wrote in his journal.
Too bad he never found a girl who cared enough to listen, and show him some care.
Yeah, the rape thing is pretty out there and not very realistic. I don't think that it's something they ever would have normally considered, especially not Dylan. But in the days leading up to the massacre, I figure maybe they weren't feeling like their normal selves. If I were ever dead set on doing something of that magnitude, the last week or so would probably feel surreal, and I may be tempted to do things I never would have done otherwise. But yeah, they couldn't really be reckless or they'd fuck everything up.
ReplyDeleteEric's journal entries used to throw me off, but I realize you can't take the rantings of a pissed off teenager too seriously. I do feel pretty convinced by now that he was just frustrated about not getting laid, and that's why he wrote about rape in his journal. But the Susan thing is something I've thought about a lot more. I always wondered, why didn't he even try to kiss her. The impression I had was that Susan did like Eric as well. But then again, the main source I got this from was Cullen's book, and I know a lot of his information is totally wrong.
I had no idea that all the other girls at her workplace rejected him before her. I keep saying that I need to brush up on my Columbine knowledge, it's really been too long since I've gotten into researching it...but what you say about him wanting to avoid rejection makes sense. Kissing her could have been on his mind the entire time, but he absolutely hates to be embarrassed. He might have already been a bit on edge with 4/20 right around the corner, so maybe he changed his mind about trying if he had planned on it.
I hope this post makes sense because it's 4 am over here, gonna pass out soon lol.
BTW, do you know if this letter is actually a hoax? I wanna believe it's her, but the source that it's from doesn't look too reliable. If it's her, it sounds so heartfelt and like she really did mourn his death a lot, and wondered over the years what could have happened between them...
ReplyDeleteEric David Harris,
I didn't know the person hiding under your smile. I didn't know about the pain you carried in your heart. I didn't know the torture you endured for so long. And I didn't want to believe you were capable of such destruction. I didn't know I could feel such pain for someone I really didn't know. If I knew what your eyes hid, and what your mind was screaming, maybe I could have helped you. I could have loved you. All I know is the pain I am feeling inside. All I know is the person I talked to everyday, the person who seemed happy, the person who always helped me and made sure I had everything I needed. I see your picture on the pages, they say what a monster you are, they say how you were mean and cruel. But you see, I can't believe what they say. I knew the smiling person, the person who helped me. I don't want to hear it anymore. I want it to go away, the angry cries well up in me and I hate you for making me so scared and sad. Leaving me without any explanation. Leaving me with wandering thoughts and hollow cries. Did you try and reach me? Did you try to tell me? I will live with the memories and the unanswered questions I hold in my heart. Not a day will go by that I will not wonder why. As times goes by, I am getting stronger, but then the moment comes when I break down and cry. I am so sorry I didn't see the rage you had inside. I am sorry I was so blind and couldn't see all the things you tried to show me. No matter how wrong you were, I will love the person who smiled and said "Hi" to me everyday. I promise to never forget the person I knew, and forget the person they say you were.
Love Always and Forever,
Susan DeWitt
i am a big fan of erric ...idk if anyone else here feel this way ..i mean i have been reading his journal ....and i wish i can just do the same ..... blah blah ....ohh and look what he wrote ... then you should be raped by a male from the race you hate and be forced to ... raise the child!
ReplyDeleteI couldn't quite understand the last part of your comment. But thanks for visiting. ^_^
ReplyDeleteEric was bullied, he was pushed over the edge and to the point where he could no longer handle the pressure of being taunted, mocked and left out of everything. We all have the capability of murder, we have r reasons why and Eric had his. He got his own back and I would have done the same. He's a martyr and may he RIP 1981-1999
ReplyDeleteYou know what I myself have always wondered the same thing you do about that night susan was at his place...why didn't he try anything more? He would have been there basically knowing this was the last chance he was going to get with a girl in his room alone it seemed perfect and I always supposed like you that he just respected her enough which in turn shows that he had a nice sweet side. From her police statement he seemed so genuine to her that night it seemed like they had a nice time. It's yet another 'I wonder why?' kinda thing that just keeps you guessing about what he was thinking. I myself was always quite jealous of susan...lucky bitch :) The letter she wrote I believe is in 'Voices from Columbine: an anthology of artistic expression' it's a 500-page collection of writing and artwork, representing the creative outpouring of students and staff of Columbine High School in the days immediately following the events of April 20. I think they gave it out to students and staff the next year. Not 100% so don't quote me but fairly certain. Anyway it's late and i've talked enough sorry for rambling but when I read the post I was like...this is all the questions I ask myself over and over.
ReplyDeleteThat's some really useful information you gave about Susan's letter, thank you. I was mostly sure that it was real, but it was bugging me that I wasn't positive. It's weird when it comes to Susan, I both envy her and feel sorry for her...I envy her for obvious reasons. She was actually in his presence, watching a movie, with his arm around her. The thought of hanging out with him in his basement makes me so jealous that it's ridiculous.
ReplyDeleteBut on the other hand, can you imagine the countless number of times she has thought about him over the years? That one single night was the only time they really spent together alone. I'd be kicking myself in the ass thinking so many what ifs...like what if our conversation that night had been deeper and longer, and I could have got to know him for who he really was. What if, being on the brink of 4/20, he broke down and his emotions came spilling out.
If only he and Susan and hung out months or even weeks before, it could have been different. We never would have known of Eric and Dylan, but it breaks my heart that he couldn't change his plans. Though being a psychopath (or is it psychopathic), I guess the chances of something bad happening in the future were pretty high. But it must be so sad being her, with the few memories she has of him fading as the years go by.
Now I'm feeling a bit sad...funny videos on youtube should cure that.
lol...funny vids on youtube always good. I know what you're saying about feeling a little sorry for Susan especially after the things she wrote in her letter, all the I'm sorrys to him for not noticing and not helping she seemed to carry alot of guilt about not helping him. I mean of course you would if you were her it'd be terrible and even though they only hung out alone that one time there was obviously something between them for her to say she could have loved him and stuff. It would have also been bad for her finding out in the basement tapes that he said goodbye to her and under other circumstances it could have been different and how he left her that CD,I wonder if she ever did get that?
ReplyDeleteShe seems to have had as many what ifs as everyone else and that's the thing with Eric it doesn't seem to matter whether you knew him personally or only because of columbine no one's any the wiser he's just a mystery that keeps you wondering. I think if he had of met her earlier it could have changed something maybe but I think it needed to be before he got his guns. After he got the guns was the point of no return for him it just became so much more real at that point.
I think that if he didn't do what he did, something would've happened later in his life at some point because he really did just have a problem with the world in general... everyone, so it could have been more massive scale had he gotten older and even smarter. Like you say though it's one of those guess we'll never know things, everything is just an assumption. Weird to think though if he had of gotten into the marines he might have ended up in Afghanistan...
On a cuter note I read this other girl that loves Eric left some Cinnaminis in the parking lot of CHS for Eric's birthday this year, I thought that was sweet if I was ever there I'd do something like that.
Sooo late on this but that is so cute that a girl left Cinnaminis in the parking lot for him. Also makes me wanna cry. :-\
ReplyDeleteAnd the Eric/Susan think probably plagues my mind the most when it comes to Columbine. That, or wondering what their initial reaction was once they realized the bombs didn't work. Man I would have been pisssssssed...
I don't think you understand the psychopathic mind very well. Eric wasn't who you think he was. He did not have emotions, because all indications are that he was a psychopath. Whatever you read about him doing, like hanging out with that girl, you are filtering through normal thinking... through concepts like respect, love, crushes, being gentlemanly, etc. He simply conformed to normal behavior because that's what psychopaths do in order to blend in. It's called 'the mask of sanity.' In reality, he would not relate to you the way you relate to him. He wouldn't feel like you "understand" each other. He didn't even feel that way toward Dylan. He just used who he needed to for his own purposes, like using Dylan as a ego-boosting partner in crime. But he would not cry a tear if Dylan had been hit by a truck. He would have moved on and killed by himself. He didn't care about other "weird" people, or disaffected people. He would just as happily manipulate you, all the while making you feel like you were just like him, that he understood you, and he would be your dangerous boyfriend. But he would have no problem raping and killing you when he decided he was done toying with you. I'm not trying to be extreme... This is precisely how psychopaths operate. They are charming, shallow, emotionless, callous, 100% self-serving individuals who see themselves as above EVERY other person on earth. They view everyone else as nothing more than things to be used for whatever purpose (like scamming, ego-gratification, rape, etc), and then cast aside, alive or dead. This was Eric Harris, period.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I've never really looked into the traits of a psychopath. This blog is just for my random thoughts or stuff I wonder about, but it's obviously something I should look up. I wonder though, are all psychopaths so full-blown with their insensitivity and indifference to others? Is there a such thing as being the way you described Eric, maybe 95% whole-heartedly?...lol. He seemed like such a complex person and that maybe he was deeper than people assume? I wonder if different meds could have helped, or did the ones he was taking make his way of thinking worse...
ReplyDeleteYou are right though, that the way I think of Eric and Susan is too romantic and "normal". I felt very positive about their little date, like maybe she was a sweetheart and he genuinely did like her. I thought it was cute that he mentioned her in his "goodbye" video. But in order to see the situation more from Eric's viewpoint, I need to look some stuff up like typical traits. Your comment really made me think about it, thanks.
Part one:
ReplyDeleteHi Jade,
Eric was INDEED a complex person, and there was a myriad of issues and factors from BOTH Eric AND Dylan that led to this. However, the drugs that Eric was on did NOT help matters. They are really, really horrendous. And, just because they don't affect everyone the way that they affected him, it does not cancel out the fact that they DID affect him. They were an "ingredient" in this whole horrible ordeal.
I am not a medical or psychiatric professional by any means (not even close!!), but, reading and watching things extensively from such professionals about SSRIs, specifically Luvox, has left no doubt in my mind whatsoever that Eric was tremendously affected by them.
He seemed to become noticeably worse when he started using them. This is just what I have pieced together. Chris Morris and others stated that they noticed a drastic change in him during his junior year, and that is when he was placed on Zoloft and then was switched to Luvox. It is SO obvious to me how hideously both of those drugs affected him, and it REALLY breaks my heart. Another thing, in the reports, it says that someone (I believe one of his coworkers at the pizza parlor, but I'm not sure right now) said that Eric told them that his dad accused him of being on LSD/acid......
Luvox and a plethora of these other SSRIs are essentially hallucinogens. They were created by the company Eli Lilly, who in the 1950s created LSD. LSD was originally supposed to be this "miracle drug, which was going to cure depression, cure alcoholism, and aid the advancement of the psychiatric field". They were prescribing it left and right, even to pregnant women, and it was terribly disastrous, obviously. Well, from what I have researched, certain portions of these SSRIs; their "structure", is almost identical (but not entirely identical) to LSD. They are all hallucinogens, just not as immediately potent as LSD, but, hallucinogens all the same. For Eric's dad to think he was "tripping" makes sense, because he very well may have been BECAUSE OF THE LUVOX!!!
......
Part two:
ReplyDeleteSO MANY people that have committed murder and then suicide (or one or the other) have been on these SSRIs. The most commonly known one is Prozac. But, all of them are very similar, they are all within the same "family". Luvox has the HIGHEST chance of causing "agression" AKA HOMICIDAL IDEATION, as well as suicidal ideation, out of them all, but they all cause similar reactions. Don't doubt for a millisecond that those drugs didn't play a part in what happened. Don't blame the entire thing on them, either, but, they did indeed contribute.
Another thing Eric was having problems with was sleeplessness. That is very common. I am in Eric and Dylan's age range, and when I was a teen.....hell, all of my life I've had insomnia issues, and I've never been on drugs. So, perhaps he was just an insomniac by nature, like myself and many others....BUT, SSRIs, like Luvox, cause it in excess, and it was so intrusive in his life and home that he was having issues with his parents about it. They were very angry that his sleeping habits were so bizarre. They didn't seem to connect it to the drugs that they were allowing him to be on.
A lot of people who are on SSRIs are in a dream state whilst awake. They can be talking to you and look and sound like they're completely "normal" and, well...awake! But, if you happen to monitor their brain waves, they are indeed asleep--in a "woken" dream state, so to speak. Many of these SSRIs interrupt the REM portion of the sleep cycle, and your brain and body will only allow you to skip that portion of the sleep cycle for so long. After extended periods of not getting REM sleep, your body and brain will PUT itself into partial or full REM WHILE YOU ARE AWAKE. So, there is a very high chance that this was happening to Eric. Just because overall he seemed coherent and normal to others around his doesn't mean this wasn't happening. AND, also add to all of this the fact that he was never properly weaned off of Zoloft, and he wasn't gradually placed on Luvox, they just threw him on Luvox-----along with the fact that he went off and on, and off and on Luvox of his own volition. Those are both IMMENSELY dangerous behaviors. You MUST wean a patient off of one drug (regarding SSRIs), very slowly, and then very slowly introduce the new drug, gradually building the dosage up. If you don't, it is highly likely that the patient will experience intensely psychotic episodes. This weaning did not happen with Eric. They yanked him off of Zoloft, and shoved him on Luvox, and from THERE they kept raising the dosage. THAT is another thing that must be done SLOWLY. If the patient needs a higher dosage, it must be done milligram by milligram, particularly with SSRIs. These are very dangerous drugs. And, they ARE drugs. No one would bat an eyelash if people pointed out the fact that drugs played in this whole tragedy if the drug he was on had been cocaine or something. But, because it is a prescription drug, most people are so lacking in critical thinking skills that they write it off as a MAJOR factor in his portion of this horrible situation.
I'm sorry I've gone on so long, but yes, indeed, Eric was a very complex person, and prescription drugs played a HUGE part in what he did. I honestly, with all of my heart, do NOT believe he was a psychopath or sociopath. Not for a second. I personally believe, with all of my heart, that he did have immense spiritual, emotional, and mental issues, which the drugs exacerbated.
(Sorry it was so long! I had to break it up!)
Turquesa,this was an incredible post and analysis and was very well written and researched. I also believed that the Zoloft and Luvox played a huge part in his behavior and the tradegy and it just kills me how differently things might have been if he wasnt on it. I also agree that Eric and Dylan were NOT physcopaths or sociopaths and I wish people would stop believeing Cullen's theory. And I REALLY wish all 15 of them were still alive today. :(
ReplyDeleteI hope we all can continue discussing this unfortunate tragedy. I myself see it is 15 deaths and not only the 13 the media continues to recognize. I feel for these boys and what they were going through. I am not condoning what they committed but I just want to see it through their eyes as best as I can. I myself am a bit jealous of Susan Dewitt. I have an attraction to the type of guy Eric was, skinny, dark features, fuck the world kind of attitude. I have always been drawn to this "type" of guy on the outside, of course I cannot truly know what kind of guy he was on the inside. All I see is he was in pain and I hope he is in a better place. I do wish they wouldn’t have committed suicide because I would of loved to make contact with both of them. May they all RIP.
ReplyDeleteI don't think Eric was a psychopath. It's evident he showed some remorse in basement tapes, he showed some empathy toward his parents, friends, numerous time he said he was sorry but he had to do it.
ReplyDeleteThe only proof they have for claiming he was a psychopath was thoose two letter after arresting for breaking into a van. In this documentary this cop is telling how come someone can write two totally different letters one for the public (all fake and decieving, but polite and charming) and the other in his private journal where he expresses his true feelings toward this incident. I mean the fake letter had to be written, it was for the purpose of the juvenile diversion program and no one would have done different in that situation. It's like we say a person is a psychopath for lying to the cop because he wants to save his own ass.
And I found this post interesting on ericharrisblog. It's about psychopathy in general and Eric as a psychopath:
http://ericharrisblog.tumblr.com/post/79987218574/was-eric-harris-a-psychopath-we-are-going-to
I've heard about Columbine before for sure (I'm not from the States) but I've never really read about the guys who did it until last week. And now I can't get Eric out of my mind. I feel so much sympathy for him, I refuse to believe he was a psychopath/sociopath. He was just way too smart for this world. He actually did have feelings but his problem was that he felt deeply. He couldn't just feel and "stay on surface" and act normal.
ReplyDeleteI read his journals and I couldn't help but laugh and agree with most of the things he wrote. I'm an aries like him so I do have a lot of angry thoughts so I 1000000% understand him and the things he hated.
God, if he was still alive I'd be one of those weird girls that visits such guys in prison and gets pregnant witht heir child. Sounds creepy I agree. But I'm fascinated with Eric only. I am usually disgusted by killers, but this guy just seems so adorable.
Lmao at girls who say Eric Harris was just so adorable! You say you have researched Columbine but I don’t see how that’s true after a stupid ass comment like that. Every high school in America has a potential Eric Harris and Dylan klebold you know, the kids most students never invite to things and make fun of. How can you be in love with someone you don’t even know? Lol I think it’s rather funny that girls talk about being jealous of Susan for being in Eric’s basement that night. DO YOU REALIZE HOW IGNORANT THAT SOUNDS? I sympathize with those boys but the bottom line is you see little 30 second clips and some crime scene footage and think you know Eric Harris well enough to “love him” Eric was ruthless! For god sakes, he walked into that library and slapped his left hand on the table top, bent down said “peek a boo” and fired on that group of girls at point blank range and would have done the same to you. U think you can relate to him or understand him but you would cower in his precense just like those poor kids did that day. You are viewing columbine through rose colored glasses girls...if you ever had been a survivor of a mass shooting you would realize how stupid it sounds to say or think you knew Eric or loved him. That’s a slap in the face to those kids that died that day that they showed no mercy. May god put your family through the same ordeal so you may understand how terrible and disgustingly weird it is to glorify a disturbed ass kid YOU NEVER EVEN KNEW! Let’s get real if Eric didn’t take his life that day he would be old enough to be your dad lmao like this happned in 1999 way before half of Eric’s followers were even born! Moral of the story maybe get off the internet and find an actual man you like instead of obsessing about a depressed kid who murdered and committed suicide 19 years ago!
ReplyDeleteHow did you stumble across this page?
DeleteOver 36 school shootings after columbine referenced the massacre as inspiration and its websites and stupid kids like you all that glorify what those boys did that day that inspires more lunatics to go shoot up the local school to get “famous” like Eric and Dylan. Think for a moment you may be inspiring a mass shooting by glorifying Eric Harris. If you really wanted to honor his memory get off the internet and get involved with suicide prevention or write letters to your local lawmakers urging stricter gun laws and sadly until you do that your part of the problem.
ReplyDeleteWebsites like these should be taken down! Eric was not a fucking martyr or some kind of folk lore hero he was a psychotic pathological narcissistic murderer. All the idiots saying those kids got what was coming to them for bullying the boys should research the real story. All the dumb girls who think they could’ve saved poor little Eric should’ve been under a table in that library that day. You may lust after Eric Harris but you do not love him. And that mindset is sadistic, disgusting and sick please seek a psychiatrists help because you need it if you are I live with a school shooter you never met who died probably before you were even born
ReplyDeleteHow did you stumble across this page?
DeleteI reckon he wasn't a psychopath because he had feelings and because of that feelings he did that. I reckon a real psychopath would also not have been bullied by others because a psychopath has the control. Eric wanted the control but he didn't have it and I guess bullying was one of the biggest reasons. Please don't get it wrong, not everyone who's getting bullied commits a slaughter, but I guess it depends on the way you deal with your problems. Do you search for help? Do you try to sort out your problem with your bullies in a peaceful (!) way? Are you strong enough to forgive people? I mean, many people tried to bully me to, but they gave it up. Why? I've talked to my parents about it. I went to a psychotherapist because I was depressed. But I've also asked the people: "Why do you do this to me? What have I done to you? Shall I change something? If I haven't been nice to you, tell me, than we can talk about it, but if I didn't do anything please stop treating me so disrespectfully." They didn't stop and still provoked me, because I was "so unsporty, looking like a little kid with my very skinny body and my big eyes, I talked like an adult, I didn't share their interests...". But I just tried to ignore it and keep friendly and to forgive them. And one day my bullies came to me and said:"I wanted to say sorry for bullying you. I didn't really know why I did that. I don't share your interests and I can't imagine being your friend but it wasn't right what I've done to you. I'm really sorry." I will never forget this day, it was one of the best days in my life and to everyone who thinks about revenge for being bullied: Stop that. This doesn't make you happier, it just makes you feel worse and worse and doesn't change anything. Search for help, talk to someone or write a letter or e-mail to the agony aunt if you don't have anyone who understands you. Maybe it would have helped Eric and Dylan too, especially Eric. He moved a lot and didn't have many people he has really trusted, I guess, Dylan was the only one with whom he talked about his problems. (Was the grammar correct, I'm not a native speaker)And Dylan had the same homicidal thoughts, so he also couldn't help him. And I guess if you are a boy and talk to your parents about that stuff it also might seem "weak" to others. So I guess that's why the most school shooters are boys.
ReplyDeleteI hope I could have helped you because I think helping people who are bullied is better than writing how much you admire Eric, Dylan and what they did.
ReplyDeleteRemember Eric was the one who took himself out first, he couldn’t of cared less if Dylan lived died or got arrested for Columbine. Eric used him for his own purposes and once the massacre was done Eric was outta here. He probably wanted to sleep with Susan but have psychological traits he wouldn’t of wanted to embarrass himself and made a fool of so that’s why he backed off. That embarrassment that being made the fool is what drove his hate and he hit at his core, even though he was gonna die he still wouldn’t of wanted to be embarrassed no matter what. He was fully aware he was going to die as even he said on his diary that it was a weird feeling knowing I’m going to be dead in 2 weeks but even knowing that there was no way he was going to push anything with Susan. It’s sad because only if he met Susan even 6 months prior and she wanted to date him but even I doubt that would of changed his mind as knew at 18 yrs old he had to face an adult world and wasn’t going to be having any of society’s expectations placed on him to be a good willing human that does the 9 to 5 thing, nobody was ever going to force Eric to comply.
ReplyDelete